Monthly Archives: May 2009

On Weedbeating

Dearest Jonathan Thomas Bonfiglio,

How naive of you to voice such opinions on the beating of weeds (weed whacking, for those unfamiliar with landscaping vernacular), the esoteric discipline underlying all believed “basic tenets” of the American Dream. When you said these things to me, blasphemous as they were, I did not turn my back on you–nay, I held my tongue in order to better present to you the heavenly visage of weedbeating. Shall I start with your obvious lack of weedbeating experience Your ungrateful opinion of a long day spent whacking plants? Or your hasty stereotyping of a concept so existential, you cannot wrap your thick neck around it, let alone that vacuous head of yours. And, for your own sake, I will not delve into your nascent view of protective eyeglasses, so that none of our contemporaries, save me, will ever have to look upon that hideous eyewear more befitting for an insectoid version of Frankenstein. Continue reading