Sliding Down a Slippery Slope

Life doesn’t always have to be an uphill battle. Some people just make it that way. Take, for instance, those who elect to use the poorly laid-out and time-consuming ramp at Ralph’s ice cream in Lincroft. (Refer to image 1-A for situational layout. Ramp route is shown by red arrow, and is conducted on a 52 degree incline.)the-ramp1

Customers at Ralph’s are privy to two choices of ascending the 7 foot platform that the ice cream fortress sits upon. Most people, upon stepping down from their cars onto the gravel parking lot, will instantly realize the efficiency of the 5-step staircase that leads up to the ordering window. Others, whether unconsciously or by an errant thought process, will inexorably take the ramp. I always want to say something to these antichrist figures that ruin my faith in humanity…but I never will, mainly because I am a staunch proponent of natural selection, but also mainly because I am probably engaging in some form of tobacco and I know they’ll just judge me. But if I could jsut reach out to them once to ask them…WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SOMEBODY GET HIM OUTTA HERE. EVERY FUCKING TIME I COME TO THIS GODFORSAKEN ICE JOINT AND I’M SITTING QUIETLY AT ONE OF THE WROUGHT-IRON ROUND TABLES ENJOYING MYSELF I SEE ONE OF YOU FUCKIN IMBECILES TRY TO TAKE THE RAMP. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? DO YOU WANT TO DIE? DON’T YOU REALIZE GOD WILL PUNISH YOU FOR YOUR DISGRACEFUL ACT OF WASTING 15-20 SECONDS OF YOUR TIME? SERIOUSLY, GET OFF THE GODDAMN RAMP AND JUST GET BACK IN YOUR CAR. YOU NEED TO TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT WHAT YOU’RE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE AND RE-EVALUATE YOUR PRIORITIES. YOU’RE A DANGER TO SOCIETY AND A THREAT TO OUR CHILDREN. I HOPE THE NEXT TIME YOU TAKE THE RAMP ITS PLANKS CAVE IN AND YOU FALL INTO AN ENDLESS ABYSSAL PIT OF SULPHUROUS FIRE AND TORTURE.

So get your Vanilla Swirl and get the fuck out of my town. Don’t trip on the way down, asshole. I hate you.

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9 responses to “Sliding Down a Slippery Slope

  1. This blog’s great!! Thanks :).

  2. Looks like you have alot to say! I too wonder why people climb the ramp at Ralphs rather than not.

  3. i consider this to be one of the most important analyzations ive heard in my life, thoughts of a dog ,REMAIN SHARP

  4. I’m in a wheelchair. I would rather crawl my crippled body up those 5 stairs if I could, but I can’t. So shut the fuck up and let me wheel myself up that nice 52 degree incline at my own discresion. You able legged bastard.

    • This isn’t about you, man. The ramp is there for you. Not for “able-legged bastards”. My essay is not meant for those who need the ramp. I clearly never said there shouldn’t be a ramp. On the contrary, I am a firm believer in ramps for equal access to all. Fuck, if I saw you there, I’d carry you up the steps, man. But, it’s about something larger than simply the ramp. It’s about the absolute irrationality and stupidity of people in general; people who, even when presented with the cold hard facts and reason, still live life on faith.

  5. As an individual who has gone to Ralphs many times I have always been baffled by the amount of unrational people who choose to take the ramp. As a fellow partaker in tabacco products I too, have never let any of them know how moronic they are because of a fear that I will be judged. Sitting at the now more efficient rectangular wooden tables I will smoke my cigarettes with much more ease knowing I am not the only one to let something so seemingly simple make me lose faith in humnaity alltogether. I am glad this was adressed, because it had to be done, and now I can smoke my cigarettes with much more ease. Thanks dog.

  6. Let’s set a trap

  7. In my book, if you go up the ramp walking without helping a handicapped person up the ramp or something, then your legs should be shot. Then you have a reason to use the damned ramp.

  8. HAHAHA, now that would be fuckin entertaining.

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