Life doesn’t always have to be an uphill battle. Some people just make it that way. Take, for instance, those who elect to use the poorly laid-out and time-consuming ramp at Ralph’s ice cream in Lincroft. (Refer to image 1-A for situational layout. Ramp route is shown by red arrow, and is conducted on a 52 degree incline.)
Customers at Ralph’s are privy to two choices of ascending the 7 foot platform that the ice cream fortress sits upon. Most people, upon stepping down from their cars onto the gravel parking lot, will instantly realize the efficiency of the 5-step staircase that leads up to the ordering window. Others, whether unconsciously or by an errant thought process, will inexorably take the ramp. I always want to say something to these antichrist figures that ruin my faith in humanity…but I never will, mainly because I am a staunch proponent of natural selection, but also mainly because I am probably engaging in some form of tobacco and I know they’ll just judge me. But if I could jsut reach out to them once to ask them…WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SOMEBODY GET HIM OUTTA HERE. EVERY FUCKING TIME I COME TO THIS GODFORSAKEN ICE JOINT AND I’M SITTING QUIETLY AT ONE OF THE WROUGHT-IRON ROUND TABLES ENJOYING MYSELF I SEE ONE OF YOU FUCKIN IMBECILES TRY TO TAKE THE RAMP. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? DO YOU WANT TO DIE? DON’T YOU REALIZE GOD WILL PUNISH YOU FOR YOUR DISGRACEFUL ACT OF WASTING 15-20 SECONDS OF YOUR TIME? SERIOUSLY, GET OFF THE GODDAMN RAMP AND JUST GET BACK IN YOUR CAR. YOU NEED TO TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT WHAT YOU’RE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE AND RE-EVALUATE YOUR PRIORITIES. YOU’RE A DANGER TO SOCIETY AND A THREAT TO OUR CHILDREN. I HOPE THE NEXT TIME YOU TAKE THE RAMP ITS PLANKS CAVE IN AND YOU FALL INTO AN ENDLESS ABYSSAL PIT OF SULPHUROUS FIRE AND TORTURE.
So get your Vanilla Swirl and get the fuck out of my town. Don’t trip on the way down, asshole. I hate you.