Trials and Tribulations of the Altoids (Michael Rossi)


I was coming home from work when I came across one of my co-workers. He was slumped over on the side of the road with an altoids case in his hand. I was confident he was dead and because of the fact I didn’t like him, I walked past him. I’m about ten feet away from him when suddenly he’s right behind me asking if I wanted to do something sweet. This is where my life will completely change, forever. Main reason…: I’m a fucking idiot.

Co-worker is looking at me with a facial expression as if he just ate shit, but the sound of his voice was like butter and he seemed so fucking happy. I didn’t know what the fuck this guy was doing. I never did. I would catch him in the copier room putting the paper shredding in his fruit of the loom boxers and dancing. I wouldn’t even call it dancing, but more so doing “high-knees”, something an athlete would be doing in order to warm up. Guy was a freak and I couldn’t put a finger on what he was about to give me. He handed over an altoid case and said, “ Dude, like, dude this is fucking sweet” as his face twitched and his eyes rolled around. He didn’t look good but I could tell he felt amazing. That’s when I grabbed the case and walked away not worrying about him catching me… he could barely fucking stand up.

I get to my apartment and I’m about to open the door when my neighbor comes out. A 45-year-old women who still shops at Forever 21 and smells like cotton candy. Yes, I admit I bang her out occasionally and it makes me feel like I’m back in high school with some teenage bitch jockin’ my shit. It was a rough day at work and I didn’t feel like putting up with her shit, we will call her Cotton Candy. Her tits are like cantaloupes that have been sitting in the sun for a couple months. You know, when they get soft but still have the rough texture. They’re like that, but smell like cotton candy. Basically, this bitch is a freak and gives me whatever the fuck I want. She walks over talking about some bullshit so I put all my weight into a right hook and, I think, broke her jaw. Wasn’t until a couple days ago someone actually helped her up and put her in the clinic. Fuck that. So I sat down at the kitchen table, lit a cigarette, and began to open the altoids case.

The smell hit me before I even opened the case. Honestly, it smelts like my grandmothers closet when I used to go in there when I was a child and play with her shiny leather clothes. Later on, I found it my own grandmother was a dominatrix and I had the clothes on upon several times. It’s so fucked up, my past. Whatever, moving on. I opened the case and there was strips that looked as if they were Listerine strips. You know, the shit used for bad breath that you could find any pussy group of kids betting who can finish the pack all at once. I only know, because I used to be that kid. Now I’m 22 – years –old and I’m about to drop what seems to be acid. Times change. I checked the clock, it’s 5 p.m. , which is weird because I can hear the two Asian midgets who live upstairs fucking and shit. That usually doesn’t happen until 7 p.m. or so. Note: the shit that goes through your head when you know two midgets are having sex around 12 feet above your head is fucking absurd. You begin to question if your insane or just blatantly a twister pervert.

I took the strip and minutes within I began to panic. I think there were two strips stuck together. Freaking the fuck out is an over statement because I’m a pretty chill dude, but it was close. This is where I’m a fucking idiot. I forgot I had a meeting with one my clients. I should’ve stated this before, but I’m a magazine editor for Extreme Male Enhancement. I’ll say more on that later, believe me, you want to wait. As for now, I’ll tell you the story about what happen from then on. First person.

I’m getting dressed when suddenly I’m completely puzzled. First reason being, my room has 2 eyes a nose and a mouth. Did I mention 2 eyes?. Second reason being there were 3 field workers from Bolivia. They were in the Co Co fields, working pennies. I knew this somehow; never spoke a word to them until now. I asked them a question, “What the fuck?” Their appearance then changed to these beautiful Bolivian women. All wanting to work my dog. I think said, “Wow, this is pretty fucking sweet” as I undid my pants. My problem is obviously telling the difference between hallucinations from reality. I quickly got my shit together, told the face on my wall where I was going and I wouldn’t be late. As I closed the door, I herd, “ Hi there! FACE HERE!” Shook my face and continued to walk down the blazing halls of my apartment building that were riddled with lions and tigers and lemurs. I get to the elevator, when I shit my pants. Or so I thought. I meant to just push a fart out but instead it felt like I pushed out a 25lb dumb bell through my external sphincter. I checked, nothing was in my pants and the fart was out successfully. This night was going to be really fucking long, and probably extremely disturbing

I finally get to my car and I’m set back because the fucking shit head kids whom live down the street filled my car with crumpled paper. This was really happening. After pushing out all the paper I lit another cigarette and began to drive to the olive garden to meet my client. I’m not sure why I’m calling him my client, he just telling what’s good to write about. Basically he’s a fucking cunt who has no idea what the fuck he is talking about. I am Allah. I’m driving when suddenly I hear a voice, “ Okay Sir, where would you like to go.” I blink twice, and I’m no longer in my car. I’m in a fucking limo. Shit, if this what it takes to get some quality shit, just drop some acid. It saves me money. There is a women sitting next to me and she is wearing a headpiece full of peacock feathers. She’s talking in a deep voice and has a dick on her forehead. Her nose is broken and her boobie tassels have flags on them promoting the New York Giants. Things are starting to get weird. I just hope I’m not actually driving now. This lady next to me smells like Cotton Candy. She then says, “ I have 3 bocce balls in my vagina. I’m stretching myself because I herd your hung like a fucking Mountain Yak.” I threw up all over myself and I know this just happened because I can feel it and smell it. Or did I? Even though I’m questioning myself I feel fucking amazing. I’m on top of the world, bro. I got on my hands and knees and crawled over to this bitch with the deep voice crawled into her mouth then down her esophagus. I saw a sign that said, “ Blowjobs next right”. I took that right turn with pride. I was going through a fucking wormhole. Yes, a wormhole. Not the shit you used to try and put your dick in when you were a dirt-riddled kid, but the wormholes that are hidden from the public by George W. Bush. I fall into a dark musty bar that’s empty. There’s no one in sight but there are still signs for blowjobs. I follow and follow and ended up back in the seat of the limo. What the fuck just happened, and what the fuck?

I gained control and I was out of the limo and still sitting in my driver seat. Keys still in my hand, and its only been 2 minutes since I got in the car. It felt like I was in the limo and wormholes for a good half hour or so. Weird. Time distortion is cool? Wrong. The clip you see on spontaneous porn sites of the monster with 27 dicks on his body and he’s being attacked by several women with oiled breasts and gauged clit hoods, now that’s cool. I thought since I was on time and would take a few rips of my bong. I reached under the passenger seat and took it out. Many people have cool names for their glass smoking instruments, well, fuck that. I call it a bong because, well, it’s a fucking bong and there is no fucking point in naming an object like that. Naming dildos, that’s a different story…

Rip after rip I feel nothing, and suddenly it hits me like a fucking 18 wheeler Mac Truck going 115mph with a 22 gear transmission and 250lb driver named Scott. It hit hard, basically. I’m on my way to the Olive Garden to speak about some bullshit I should write about in order to make guys think they can enhance their penis size. It won’t work but if I wrote that I would never get paid. INCREASE LENGTH AND GIRTH WITH SIMPLE PILL 3 TIMES A DAY AND EASY EXERCISES. If shit really worked everyone would have a fucking moose cock. But no, I’m still writing this with a baby dick inchworm concave dick, to the left. Life’s chill.

I’m driving when I get pulled over, and the cop is one of my high school teacher, who is a women. She’s not in any ordinary cop uniform and doesn’t come to driver side door but the passenger. She gets in and is speaking Spanish. I blame the acid and feel my stomach in my throat. She speaks English now, and is telling me how she always wanted to rock my bones during religion class senior year. I’m turned on and begin to undress myself while I’m pulled over on route 70. People driving by are beeping their horns and cursing me off. Maybe I’m still in the lane, who knows. Maybe Mrs. Officer isn’t sitting in my car right now. She pushes her chest out and the buttons of her uniform burst off and hit my windshield. She then yells, “ Derka derka, give me your schlong and I’ll give you a treasure map.” I said only if I can rub your balloon knot.. she agrees and we proceed to interact. This is real. She is constantly passing wind throughout the whole session but it smells like cotton candy. What the fuck is with this cotton candy smell. Maybe I shouldn’t have flipped on my neighbor and broke her jaw. Oops. Cotton Candy will forever be stuck in my nose!

The cop leaves and I feel sober as I consumed in a mess. He says his name is Al and I’m lucky he gave me a break with only a seat belt ticket. I wonder what just happened. Altoids, Listerine, bomb.

I look at the ticket and its written in Aztec symbols so I give a fuck and throw it out the window and continue on with my trip. A trip indeed. Trip? Trip. I’m not worried though I feel great. I pull into the Olive Garden and walk through the front doors as a push the gnomes to the side and put out the fire on my Reebok Reverse Jams. The person who I thought would seat me asks if I’m Mr. Butler. “Yes I am, indeed I am Mr. Butler. The legend behind penis enlargement.” She says, “ The person you were meeting, Mr. Whitlock, had a family emergency and couldn’t make it tonight”. An instant sigh of relief would be natural, but I didn’t take her seriously, but still left feeling accomplished.

As I’m leaving I over hear a man asking his wife for a mint since they just ate shitty Italian food covered with garlic and basil. I walked over to him and handed him the Altoid case with a smile. He accepted it and gave him and his wife one. Asking why I put Listerine in an Altoid case I told him the original case broke so I had to compromise. I walked off. And I hear from the background, “Wow this smells like absolute shit! But I reckon it’d be better then smelling like a family from southern Italy, which is Sicily.” I waved to them with thanks and said,” Ignore the blowjob signs, they are fucking with you” As they both enjoy a nice strip of acid. Fuckers.

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